[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
the chicken was already gone when I got here
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
#catsoftwitter
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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here