[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

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If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.


me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?


If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???


The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath


Them: “Live in the moment!”



HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?


No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.


[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry