@TheCatWhisprer

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

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@3sunzzz

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

@English_Channel

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

@Stop_Trump20

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

@LlamaInaTux

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

@AngryRaccoon2

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

@TheAndrewNadeau

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

@Gupton68

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

@Dawn_M_

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry