*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*

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If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.


If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot


I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.


You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.


There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met


I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website.

– White.
– Good condition.
– Reliable.
– Cheap.
– Some evidence of rear end damage.


“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run


People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.


Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.


[rubbing lamp]

Genie: You have three wishes

Me: I want something that will save me time, stress and heartache every day

Genie: Done!

*all of my kids’ shoes are now velcro*