*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
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Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
just having fun
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.