@TribalSpaceCat

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

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@jackiembouvier

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

@copymama

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

@VapingSonic

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

@cambuslad

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

@LittleMissAngr1

Thinking about the time I got paired for a project with the dude who sat beside me in history class and I couldn’t remember his name so I thought I’d be sneaky and ask him how he spelled his name instead of asking what it was and he looked me dead in the eyes and said B-E-N

@TheHyyyype

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

@MisterBombay

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

@MyNameIsArchaic

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.