I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
You Might Also Like
HIM: Hi, I’m John.
ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Thinking about the time I got paired for a project with the dude who sat beside me in history class and I couldn’t remember his name so I thought I’d be sneaky and ask him how he spelled his name instead of asking what it was and he looked me dead in the eyes and said B-E-N
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.