*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
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How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I’m sorry…what?
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.