*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.