[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
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What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.