*pulls away from kissing my girlfriend’s twin*

TWIN: she’ll never find out about us

ME: thanks dude you’re a trustworthy guy

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If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”


wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m: [sweating profusely]


[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822


In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.


I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.


To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.


If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”


[Running into a friend]

FRIEND: Hey it’s good to see you! We should get together soon!

ME: Totally!

FRIEND: How about Friday?

ME: Yeah let’s do it soon

FRIEND: Right, like Friday?

ME: Take care!

FRIEND: So, Friday?

ME: *grabs their collar* Stop trying to make this happen


I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don’t want people to recognize me when I’m pooping.


trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater