@RoosterMustache

*pulls away from kissing my girlfriend’s twin*

TWIN: she’ll never find out about us

ME: thanks dude you’re a trustworthy guy

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@HMittelmark

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

@GrantTanaka

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

@didifalldown

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

@MayaIsLoading

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

@envydatropic

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

@JohnLyonTweets

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

@bridger_w

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

@Home_Halfway

[Running into a friend]

FRIEND: Hey it’s good to see you! We should get together soon!

ME: Totally!

FRIEND: How about Friday?

ME: Yeah let’s do it soon

FRIEND: Right, like Friday?

ME: Take care!

FRIEND: So, Friday?

ME: *grabs their collar* Stop trying to make this happen

@HockeyTornado

I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don’t want people to recognize me when I’m pooping.

@EJGomez

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater