*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
You Might Also Like
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
When you don’t understand how floors work
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS