*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
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Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
My first child will be named New Folder.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*