@Tommytoughstuff

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

You Might Also Like

@LeeryLeary

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

@preawsaurus

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

@EndhooS

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

@MarfSalvador

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

@lmegordon

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

@TheHyyyype

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

@_sunshine25_

EATS clean for a week, loses 2 pounds.
DRIVES by a donut shop, gains 5.
This is some bullshit.

@caithuls

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

@NoticablyBacon

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*