*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

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The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.


oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.


[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out


[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?


Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.


me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone


EATS clean for a week, loses 2 pounds.
DRIVES by a donut shop, gains 5.
This is some bullshit.


The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself


Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*