*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
You Might Also Like
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Merry Christmas
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats