*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
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I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Art by Pastelkatto
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
become ungovernable
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
But it’s not the “worst way” either…