@shwebby3

*Pulls away from Kissing*

Me: This isn’t weird is it?

Cat: Meow

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@myonlymizztake

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

@Contwixt

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

@chuuew

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

@madcaplaughs30

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

@BoomBoomBetty

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

@Mikecanrant

I accidentally earned a 3rd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do the last time a bee flew near my face.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Anyone else notice how Barney the Dinosaur is basically a T-rex & parents had no qualms about leaving their children with an apex predator?

@ShesARealGenius

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a