*Pulls away from Kissing*

Me: This isn’t weird is it?

Cat: Meow

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They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.


“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”



[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”


I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.


I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.


I accidentally earned a 3rd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do the last time a bee flew near my face.


Anyone else notice how Barney the Dinosaur is basically a T-rex & parents had no qualms about leaving their children with an apex predator?


Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a