Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
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dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS