[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
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*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”