@sarcasm_inc

*pulls back your shower curtain*
What did you mean by “creepy”

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@obijawn

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

@EvanJKessler

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

@LurkAtHomeMom

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

@TheRealPalMal

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

@iwearaonesie

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

@GringoBrulee

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

@WheelTod

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

@midwestern_ope

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?