Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
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* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for