[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
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Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
3% human
97% stress
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
my dad when a sex scene comes on
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
this is the greatest thing ever
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere