*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

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“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes


LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend


As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.


Unfortunately….. Nobody wants to have sex with your inner beauty.


If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.


Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.


Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares


The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and coolnnNothing at all like us…


Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.