*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
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I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Generation gap…
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare