@debon7

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

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@inmybox07

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

@ibid78

LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend

@_SingleBabyMama

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

@Nofstnme

Unfortunately….. Nobody wants to have sex with your inner beauty.

@TwatWaffler69

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

@UncleDuke1969

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

@donni

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

@Token_Geezer

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and coolnnNothing at all like us…

@rosannecash

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.