them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
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Can’t. About to go please some beans
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Effort made
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.