Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
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When you have “very happily married” in your bio, we read that as “DM me about my other secret account ’cause my spouse watches this one.”
[creation of clams]
God: this snail is grounded
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
You just HAD to let snakes and spiders on the Ark, didn’t you Noah? Way to go, man. Way. To. Go.