*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
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*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone