*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
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Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
can’t believe I got front row seats
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”