[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
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The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
mumsnet is amazing
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month