*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
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I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold