@reTICKulous

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

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@liv_thatsme

(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)

Me: NOT THE NICE TRASH BAGS

@DanMentos

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

@kimlockhartga

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.

@duumb

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

@ChaseMit

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

@shakenbakegurl

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

@MarfSalvador

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

@ShortSleeveSuit

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling