*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
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God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.