Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
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I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
⛄️
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house