*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
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Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Ironic
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.