My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
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My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
why isn’t he texting back
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.