@dave_cactus

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

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@laurenmacdonald

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

@illiter8too

Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you’re complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.

@Cpin42

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

@savvystrider

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

@blade_funner

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

@iamburtjarvis

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

@ItsSamG

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

@SaveItForFest

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

@CherBear162

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

@dadopotamus

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.