*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
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That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.