*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle