*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
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Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*