°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
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New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present