*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
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Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Me buying fruit and veg
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”