*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

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If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic


What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.


My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.


ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*


You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.


I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.


Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.


I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.


I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.