@Book_Krazy

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

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@weismanjake

If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic

@reallifemommy3

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

@msdanifernandez

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

@sploosk

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

@goodtimenoel

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

@SamGirlSunday

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

@AllanForsyth

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

@MichaelTrying

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

@beefman138

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.