I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
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My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
This took me a second..
I’m aging like a fine banana
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I feel it
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something