‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
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May your day taste like creamy soup.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
let’s discuss