“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
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Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.