*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
You Might Also Like
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.