[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

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I made fun of a lady swaddling her dog in a blanket and she overheard and turns out it wasn’t a dog it was her baby hey have a great Monday.


I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.


I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.


Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”


I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.


When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.


I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.


Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.


Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth