[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
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The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
So glad we cleared that up
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!