[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
You Might Also Like
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.