Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
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If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.