@ayisi_yaw

#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married

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@anhonestmess

This is yr brain. This is yr brain on drugs. *turns page* This is yr brain on the beach at Cancun! Awwww, yr brain on yr honeymoon. *turns p

@_thatigirl

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

@loribuckmajor

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

@fro_vo

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

@morebees

when someone says ‘your flys down’ it implies that 1) i have a fly and 2) hes having a bad day

@CelebrityChez

If I was a drunk superhero, I’m pretty sure I’d be “I Love You Man”

@jonnysun

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”