Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
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Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
also my go-to takeaway order
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop