[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.