Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
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Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
🏙👨🏼
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT