Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
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Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”