@JurassicPark2go

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

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@TheWadest

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

@usermcuserface

If i was going to rob someone I’d wear a fanny pack, jorts, and crocs. Nobody would believe them.

@copymama

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

@50FirstTates

god: give humans eyelashes

angel: what are those?

god: they stop things from getting in their eyes

angel: what gets in their eyes?

satan: eyelashes lmao

@FillWerrell

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

@GloriaFallon123

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with