[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
You Might Also Like
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
X-tra spooky blend
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT