@CornOnTheGoblin

[purposefully keeps messing up my hot dog eating scene]
director: cut! [sighs] bring in another hot dog, take 11

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@Brampersandon_

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

@Brampersandon_

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

@writeden

Me: Hear me out. Blood is thicker than water, right? But so is mustard.

Surgeon: How did you get in here

@SocialExtortion

How to pick up women:
1-approach beautiful lady
2-bend at the knees
3-lift gently
4-oh god she’s screaming
5-put her down the cops are here

@sarahcpr

Why am I *already* watching the news like I have no clue how to pace myself

@FatherWithTwins

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

@ZaynabHashem2

2017 whatsapp notification:

Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you

@1800Randy

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

@adamgreattweet

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers