*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
You Might Also Like
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I’m listening
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone