@JohnLyonTweets
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
@TheBoydP
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
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@JohnLyonTweets
@KKAlThani
Here’s what I know about girls. If she’s angry, it will pass. If she goes silent, leave the country, change your name & start a new life.
@Mr_Kapowski
[fancy restaurant]
Wife: How was the bathroom?
Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall
@OkigboXL
PSA: Don’t EVER let your printer know that you’ve waited until the last minute to print something out and you’re in hurry because they can sense fear.
@GorillaNipples1
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
@ohen39
me: I’m gonna spend valentine’s day alone
doctor: no you’re not
me: *blushing* are you asking me out?
doctor: no. you’re dying
@CAT1PRO
@PeaceInTruth1
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
@Marlebean
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
@Jim_Capie
Bruce Wayne: I wanna fight crime.
Alfred: You’re a billionaire. Open orphanages, free clinics, day care cen-
Bruce: No I wanna punch people.