Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
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Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
British websites use biscuits.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free