Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
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“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
checking out some reviews of my local library
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Cndnsd Mlk
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I’m calling the cops.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.