@ArrowsOfTheSun

Push-up men’s underwear.

Taking complexes to a whole new level.

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@UncleDuke1969

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

@momtransparent1

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

@lovemydogduck

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

@juliussharpe

Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.

@julcasagrande

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

@AmishPornStar1

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer?

Me: No.

4: Can I check?

Me: Do you have a warrant?

@perlmutations

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.