Push-up men’s underwear.

Taking complexes to a whole new level.

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“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”


Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.


I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.


Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.


They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?


See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.


4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer?

Me: No.

4: Can I check?

Me: Do you have a warrant?


I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.