“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
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I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense