Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.

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I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.


Hello sir. Your toddler called me a ‘stinky poopyhead’ at the store. I’ve spent 6 days formulating a comeback, and I’d like to own him now.


Go away kid, I don’t have bubble wrap.

That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up


Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”


Was having a bad day so I tried the whole pulling up big girl panties thing.
She didn’t appreciate the wedgie but I did feel better after.


College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go


Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law


INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired


[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain


i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds