@cynicanoldicus

Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.

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@Rollinintheseat

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

@DryDickRando

Hello sir. Your toddler called me a ‘stinky poopyhead’ at the store. I’ve spent 6 days formulating a comeback, and I’d like to own him now.

@spicy_peen

Go away kid, I don’t have bubble wrap.

That was just the sound my knees make when I stand up

@Jake_Vig

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

@hogrider05

Was having a bad day so I tried the whole pulling up big girl panties thing.
She didn’t appreciate the wedgie but I did feel better after.

@amandalsabrook

College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go

@yoyoha

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

@aidanjsears

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

@GoldenSpirals

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

@piper_itup

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds