[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
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[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.