*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
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peacock: how鈥檇 the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there鈥檚 your problem dumbshit
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?馃
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don鈥檛 have to physically hold it
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don鈥檛 worry, I eat like a bird.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 馃様
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I鈥檓 just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
R.I.P.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”